Question:
I have been trying to recover from anorexia for the past five years.
Sometimes I feel like I am not so caught in the prison of it -(the
thinking about food, not eating, feeling fat, exercise, all the self
hate, etc...). I even drink a little of a protein drink. But after a few
days I totally panic. I start feeling like I am lost and falling down a
deep hole with nothing to hang on to. It feels so mixed up if I am
starving myself I get angry at myself for not trying enough, for not be
over it after all the therapy I have had. How can I expect anyone to
keep trying to help me if I keep screwing up. The problem is I have now
started punishing my self by not letting myself sleep and it leads into
not eating after a few days I feel so wiped out - I sleep then start to
tried to eat - do ok for a few days then the whole cycle repeats. I am
getting really afraid because my sleeping is starting to feel like my
anorexia and very out of control - (like anorexia of sleep). Like with
my eating disorder the voice in my head seem to be telling rules about
sleep (like when I can sleep, How much, what I have to do if I break the
rules and sleep, etc...). Does anyone else have this problem? I have
tryed to understand why I am doing this. I know I hate my body and I
hate needing anything. I really want to feel better. I feel so angry at
myself, so mixed up inside, it's like a war going on inside. Sometimes I
think it really good when I get so tired because if I had more energy
and was not so tired I would hurt myself in other ways or kill myself,
but I also know that a part of me wants to live or I would have given up
long ago. Sorry this is so depressing. I would really like to hear your
thoughts, comments, suggestion, etc..
Answer:
You're not alone. For years (actually, decades), I've done something
similar. I restrict either food or sleep or both. It keeps me numb.
When I've been more energetic, I do hurt myself (in minor symbolic
ways).
I know why I do it. I do it because, as much as I want to live, I
feel ambivalent about it. I feel guilty about being alive, taking
up space and time and resources. I feel I should be punished for
being alive --when I certainly have other options. I also feel
I should be punished for being imperfect. And I feel afraid, feel
afraid that I will in fact be punished if anyone notices me. I
minimize my satisfaction of my needs as though I were saying to the
world "Can I stay if I promise to take as little as possible?"
Does this ring any bells with you?
I have gained a lot by recognizing that minimizing the satisfaction
of my needs only serves to increase my needs. If I don't sleep enough
for the next few days, I'll become increasingly unable to function,
increasingly a burden to others, and eventually I'll have to sleep.
Same with eating. I've resolved this by trying to determine the
smallest, constant amount of sleep and food I can to function reliably.
By adhering to these amounts constantly, I don't cycle the way I
used to. Cycling drives me nuts. While I'm restricting, I'm fine.
While I'm making up for the restriction, I'm in a constant state of
anxiety.
I won't claim that my current resolution is "healthy". It certainly
does not have the stamp of approval from my therapist or dietitian.
But it's an improvement over aggressive restriction.
It took a lifetime to develop the eating disorder. It will take time to
recover. The only thing we know that works is to take things one day at a
time. You don't have to deal with a lifetime of eating, only with today.
This definitely seems connected to us. You are depriving your body of
something it needs as punnishment for giving it something it needs (sound
familiar?).
Have you been honest with your therp about this? Have you tried
treatment? For us, we acted out anorexic thinking in many ways besides
with food. We deprived ourselves of many things that we wanted and
needed, thinking we didn't deserve it. In recovery, we have discovered
that we do deserve nurturing and nourishment.
