Question:
I'm 9 years into my depression (and I'm only 25).
Anyway, my question is, where does motivation come from? I don't seem to
have any. For anything. Especially living. Can anyone offer advice or
insight? (My therapist can't help me...)
Answer:
I don't have any significant others or children to get me going. (There is
this girl I like and who has showed interest in me, but she blows me off all
the time, so my motivation to go see her...one of the only things I've had
intermittent motivation for...wanes easily.) I have family, but they don't
require anything from me. In fact, it's me that requires from them.
I didn't mention when I first posted (because I figured everyone would just
tell me that this was the problem) but my family supports me. I don't have
to do anything. What occupies my time is the computer, television (lately,
old movies with Katherin Hepburn or Cary Grant at 6 and 7 in the morning),
video games, and playing with my sisters dog for 15 minutes.
Since asked: Usually I'll wake up at 2pm, check my email (get sad that
nobody's emailed), eat some cereal, watch TV (Quantum Leap and Star Trek TOS
and later Crossing Over and Now and Again, all on the newly acquired Sci-Fi
channel), check my email, greet my mom/sister/brother-in-law coming home
from work with a grunt, spend time on the computer looking stuff up while
jeapordys on, leaving the email program open, play with my dog and watch
friends (they're showing the secret Chandler/Monica romance right now, which
I didn't see when it was originally on--and it's FUN-NY), check websites,
check ISCA, read for a little while or play video games, get back on the
internet until 6 or 7am and then try to find a movie or something to watch
until bedtime at 9 or 10am.
I have these cycles, where for a couple weeks I have insomnia, and then the
next couple weeks I sleep for 14 or more hours a day. The funny part is,
whenever I'm in one cycle, I want the other. I'll never be happy with whats
going on with my sleep cycle.
Yeah, I'm taking Prozac and Risperdal (I've tried like 8 others), but
they're week doses. (40mg, and 4mg respectively) Actually, let me rephrase
that: I SHOULD be taking those two. I actually stopped a couple months ago
and am building up quite the stockpile (I get it for free from the
government). I just can't stand the side-effects. I'd rather be suicidal,
which I'm used to and can handle, then have my head twitch uncontrollably.
Along those lines, I can't stand my therapist. But he's free too, so I go
see him. He's not as good as my previous three therapists, all of which got
transferred after a few months with me. I liked them! I can't really
pinpoint what I don't like about him, he's just always talking about himself
and stuff. It's just not for me.
So, I guess the whole point is, maybe I should look for a new therapist and
start taking these damn pills. Right?
You know, there's nothing inherently wrong with putting your regular sleep
period during the day. Maybe instead of thinking of it as insomnia, and
passively following it along, make plans and do things you would want to if
you were up during the day.
